How to Give a Meaningful Apology - HBR: blog

How to Give a Meaningful Apology - HBR

Note From Jim:

Have your behaviors offended or upset someone recently, a superior, subordinate, peer, life partner, child, parent, sibling, relative, friend, or neighbor?  If you're human, the answer is probably "yes". 

Did you extend  a meaningful apology, one that made a difference?  This is a nuanced topic of course, but it seems that there are essential components that make for a meaningful apology, one that leads to a path of healing.  How well do you follow the model detailed by psychiatrist Mark Goulston?  Find out below?

By the way, If you're interested in obtaining more insight into the psychology of forgiveness, type "apology" or "forgive" into this Blog's search field.

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by Mark Goulston

Excerpts:

Never assume that part of the apology can be left unsaid. To really repair a rift, even the unsaid needs to be spoken out loud.

1. Admit that you were wrong and that you're sorry.  Really own up to what you did — or failed to do.  For example, "I jumped down your throat and berated you mercilessly when you didn't get that report done on time. I was wrong to treat you that way and I am sorry." ... admit you were wrong... always say it. It's that one thing they need to begin to forgive you. 

2. Show them you understand the effect it had on them. ... Try to really put yourself in their shoes. For instance, "And when I did that, and wouldn't let it go, I think I made you feel cornered and probably anxious — and maybe even panicky."

3. Tell them what you are going to do differently in the future so that it doesn't happen again... reassure them that you will truly try to change your behavior in the future — not just keep apologizing after every blow-up — ... hopefully [this third element] ends the conversation on a more positive note.  For example, "Going forward, when I'm upset about something you have done or failed to do, I'm going to pause and ask myself, 'What is the outcome I want from speaking to you? In all likelihood it will be for you to just fix what needs to be fixed so you can get the results that both of us want. I will calmly speak to, and maybe even with you, instead of at or over you."

Mark Goulston

Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. is a business psychiatrist, executive consultant, keynote speaker and co-founder of Heartfelt Leadership. He is the co-author of Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In (Amacom, 2013). Contact him here.

Access Complete Article And Other Great Stuff at HBR: http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2013/03/how_to_give_a_meaningful_apolo.html